Just real quick…

Just real quick, do me a favor. I want you to sit for a while. I want you to look back and think about something. What was it that made you love someone like me? What made you risk everything for nearly 4 years just to stay with me? Was it just stupid young love or was it something more? Was I that special to you? Am I still that special to you when you really sit and think about it? Now I’m not trying to make you “love” me again or anything, I’m more curious at this point. You and I risked quite a bit for 4 years and I’m just curious whether it was real or it was it a girl believing she was in love with someone that she really wasn’t. I’m honestly not sure anymore and would like to know. I’ve talked to people that have been in long relationships and they all tell me their feelings don’t just go away because they were truly in love with the person. Yours seem to have completely disappeared so i was wanting you to sit and think and let me know what it really was now that you can look back on it. I’d like to know if you just fell in love because I was older and it was forbidden or did you really actually love me in a real way. I don’t know which I believe and hearing the truth on the matter would greatly help me as I look for someone that will love me forever. It’s a small favor and I’d very much appreciate an answer. Thank you.

Yours truly,

Brett

8 months ago  /  0 notes

Just thinking…

I sit and think…how do people forget those that loved them, stood by them, and ultimately risked everything for them? I don’t understand. I won’t be like that, ever. No matter the pain I feel. I’ll always be here for her if I’m needed again. Am I weak? No, I just love deeply. One day someone will value that quality in me. She’ll be beautiful in every way and I’ll finally have what I’ve always wanted. Something I thought I had that, but I guess I was wrong.

I’m getting things on track. I’ve registered for school, I’ve got 3 job possibilities, and my teeth are going to get fixed. By years end I will be everything I wasn’t while with her. Better than who she’s with now in every way possible (already am for the most part). And I’ll have a beautiful girl on my arm that will make everyone wonder how the hell I got her…just like I use to have. Only this time, she’ll truly love me and not be scared to say so. I wish it could be her because that is one girl I will always love, but if it has to be someone else, then so be it.

10 months ago  /  Notes

I’m sorry…

I know that I have quite a bit to say on all of this. Most of all, I have a lot that I’m sorry for. A lot of which I know I had no control over. And if you read this B, just know that…

I’m sorry for being the way I am. I’m sorry that I still love you (I know you hate it). I’m sorry for the horrible circumstances of our relationship. I’m sorry about that night your parents found out. I’m sorry for the hurt that it caused you and your family. I’m sorry that I denied you that same night. I wanted to protect US. I’m sorry about all of my mistakes. I’m sorry about any time you felt unwanted or like I didn’t care. I’m sorry about what I looked at that one time. I’m sorry for betraying your trust on that. I’m sorry that I didn’t always tell you how much I wanted to spend my entire life with you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk about the thought of having children with you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be accepted. I’m sorry I put you through that for as long as I did. I should have realized that being with me made your life hell. I’m sorry that for all the good I tried to do, it didn’t really work. I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t be with me anymore. I’m sorry that you felt you had to hide from me that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I’m so sorry that I’m the loser that sits here and writes about these things. I’m sorry I can’t just forget about you the way that you can me. I’m sorry that I feel nothing but love for you. I’m sorry for it all, Brooke. I’m just sorry…

10 months ago  /  0 notes

More late night ramblings…

So I’m up late again. I’ve really been studying portrait photography here lately. I really like it. It’s definitely something I could see myself doing a lot of. I just don’t have anyone that would be willing to spend time with me so I can practice. I can’t really seem to find a girl (one that’s decent looking) that wants to hang out with me. I believe I’m truly just a completely undesirable guy. For some reason I can’t seem to find anyone. Was she just a fluke? Am I really not capable of being with someone as wonderful and amazing as she was? I mean, the girl was everything a guy could ever want. I am so amazed that a girl like that liked me. I wont say love because at this point, I’m not real sure. I know I loved her because I can’t forget her, but she forgot me so easily that I can’t know for sure if she ever really did love me. Actually, scratch that. I know she did and I think she still does to some degree. I truly wish we would have been allowed to be together the way a couple should be. Things would have been so different. I could’ve proposed…Anyway, I look forward to maybe taking some portraits some time soon.

Now onto other things. I’m pretty fucking lonely (in case that tangent up there wasn’t clue enough). Really, I see no end in sight to my loneliness. I just wish she was here to talk to about it. I know it probably hurts her to hear how lonely I am, but it sure would help to have someone I actually trust to talk to. And yeah, I still trust her even after everything. I just want to be loved again. I miss looking into her eyes and knowing I was all she ever wanted. I miss that feeling. I miss holding her, I miss laughing together, I miss everything. I miss all the small things. I know she probably thinks I’m a loser for loving her like I still do, but I don’t really mind. If loving someone with all my heart is wrong, excuse the cliche but, I don’t wanna be right. Goodnight Tumblr/Twitterverse. And you too, B, if you see this.

10 months ago  /  0 notes

Cold heart…

What made your heart so cold? Not cold towards everything, but cold towards me. Love for 3+ years and only a few months to forget about me. What did I do to deserve it? I understand not wanting to be with me. I understand not loving me or at least not saying that you do. I realize the love for me is probably completely gone. What I don’t understand is the distance. Like I was everything wrong with your life, like nothing we had meant a damn thing. Is it that I’m easy to forget? Have you come to believe exactly what your parents think of me? That I took advantage of you or that what we had was wrong. Have you been forced to forget me just so you’re treated right by your parents and him? I’m not sure what it may be, but I don’t get it really. I wish I knew exactly what it was. I want to believe it’s not really your choice and you only do it to keep the other people around you happy, but I’m starting to believe you do it because you truly believe I’m a bad person to keep in your life. Maybe you hate me, but don’t want to hurt my feelings. I don’t know. I just want to know why you seem sort of happy to talk to me (the one time every 4-5 months I hear from you) but then I get nothing like I’m forgotten. I just have to believe you hate me and would prefer if I were gone, until I hear otherwise. It hurts to believe that but, really, I can’t be hurt much more than I already have..

11 months ago  /  0 notes

Being alone…

For some, being alone is a quiet get away from all the hustle and bustle of the world. For those people it’s a choice and they revel in that time. For someone where it isn’t a choice, it’s the most horrible feeling on the planet. When you spend 21 years of your life feeling alone in the world, finding someone that takes all that pain and feelings of rejection away is the most amazing thing on the planet. All of a sudden you feel like everything is going to be okay. When you lose that and are thrown back into being alone, there is no feeling more terrible. You gave your all to someone and they up and left. Maybe you were meant to be alone? It took 21 years to not be alone, and then 4 years later you’re right back there. Again, you wonder why you’re left alone again. Maybe it’s you? No one seems to really be into you. All the girls you know just talk about other guys around you or how all guys suck. Why is it that you try to be different but being different gets you nowhere? You try not to be like other guys. You try to be there and listen to their problems and help, but still you get nowhere. It’s just like it use to be before.

At this point you just wonder why you are even here. You weren’t good enough to keep the one you loved dearly and no one else ever seems interested either. This isn’t even a pity party, it just seems to be a pattern in your life. If living alone is how your life is going to be, with no one ever interested in you, then maybe…I don’t know. I’m just always tired of being that guy…

11 months ago  /  Notes

A million words…

A million words left unsaid. A million thoughts running through my head. I left it all right here, locked up inside. I showed the best I could and I swear I tried. I was never enough, although if you look in my eyes you’d know my fears weren’t fears but challenges I worked to overcome. The blessing of a child and the thought of her death, the one overwhelmed me, although not the one she believed. I lost it at the thought and I just couldn’t bear to only keep a part of her if the rest just wasn’t there. The love we shared and the touch of her skin are things I can’t forget. I held her closely and promised I’d never let go. Now that she’s gone, the promise I still keep. If she’s wondering what goes through my head, there’s only “I”, “love”, and “you”.

11 months ago  /  Notes